(NOTE: This is going to be Millenial as FUCK. I’m talking about real people. Some of whicj read this blog with regularity. I don’t apologize for any of it. Now, shout out to Seagrams Gin, cause I drink it and they payin’ me for it.)
You know what gets tiring? Being a dude pretending like you don’t have feelings because several generations of Black men who you share DNA with felt it necessary to keep all that Nancy shit locked up tight.
I have loved 4 women in my life. (Not counting my maternal grandmother, my aunt who might as well be my big sister, and the woman who gave birth to me. I love them all with the fury of a thousand suns and would happily kill you where you stand if you brought harm to them.)
A. C. J. H. The first letters of their names.
See, I had strong feelings for K since the day I met her, but she had a boyfriend at the time who I’m cool with. After awhile, it was more that I liked us being able to be open about our similarities and differences,her being as competitive and focused as I was and being able to be selfish more than I liked her. Also, you can’t be out here openly pining for your homies ex, right? Then there was S. She ran close as hell, but ended up being a miserable, horrible sack of humanity after our relationship ended. She lied and said HORRIBLE things about me because I hurt her. I felt bad for a bit, but now? Fuck her. My name is my name.
You have to play your feelings close to the vest when you truly care about someone. Can’t be out here willingly exposing yourself to heartbreak and rejection, right? Not the healthiest way to live a life. Everyone in the 50’s managed to make due, right? *looks at life expectancy in the 50’s* *weeps uncontrollably*
It’s funny. You meet different types of people as you grow and experience more. A gets to hold the “My first love” crown forever, and God damn, did she ever earn it.
C and H are from college. I still love both of them. We date other people, but that love is there and always will be. They serve as my Luca Brasi and Tom Hagen, respectively.
I ran from J. Not even kidding, I loved her to the point that I actively deleted numbers of girls from my phone. I made up some shit about being worried she wanted kids. I didn’t have the balls to actually say, “Hey. I love you to the point of terror. I need to break up with you because hanging out with you is more rewarding than working. I’m 24 and that’s frightening, so um…bye!”
I regret that I’m not with any of them. I’m sad I regret something that naive.
This post was very therapeutic. Thanks very much for letting me bend your ear.