1. No one outside your immediate family cares about you, what you do for a living or where you went to college.
2. People who say “My friends and I should totally be on a reality show” usually are the most boring people.
3. He/she broke up with you because you were a nag/not an alpha male. Shut up/Nut up.
10. Chicago has a severe deficiency in one or more of the following areas: culture, good food, vegetarian options, hot women, hot men, fashion sense and general odor.
12. President Obama both loves and hates America, working people, soldiers, babies, cats, dogs and the show “CatDog.”
13. Mitt Romney and everyone at Fox News are super-neo-meta-hyper-conservative fascist goons who all sound like Dr. Claw from “Inspector Gadget.”” —Inspired by that Daily Beast thing earlier this week, all that “Girls” mishegas, and the general content strategy of every website on Earth these days, I compiled a curated list of “controversial” things to say in my column today.
Thing I’ve never heard anyone say:
“I’d fuck Mark Zuckerberg.”